I don't know what should I do now. *sigh*
Last night my colleagues and I having beers together. We celebrated one of our field staff who had achieved his target this month. So, of course my part time partner was there too. After I helped them clear things up, both of us converse for a while. Then suddenly, he cried. OHMAIGAD!
He repeatedly saying that it his fault for having relationship with me. He looks like he is playing with my heart. He also said that he do have feeling on me but he confused. He confused because at the same time he love his girlfriend. I persuade him and tell him everything will be alright. It is not his fault at all. I am the one who starting this love game because of my selfishness. I greedy on seeking love. Only because of my emptiness, I had make him suffered like this.
I told him, I ready to let he go. But he refused. He still want with me. And I? I don't know. I had been thinking all this day. What I had done? I must let him go. Even though its hard for me. I slowly love him and care for him. But I can't see he in suffered or in pain mentally because of me. I'm a bad person in this situation. I admit it!
For a first place, I just want to trick him for a good reason. And at the same time, my cousin challenge me. I accepted the challenge. And now? I have to accept the price that I had pay. I never thought this will happen until this far.
You may say I'm not a good woman. Play with man heart. And whatsoever. I admit it. And its totally my fault. And I do love him. I love him as my only man. He is the one in my heart now. One and only. I never declare he is my boyfriend and so do I, never declare as his girlfriend. Only he the one think that I am his girlfriend. I rejected it. I much more prefer to be his part time partner. If he really want me as his girlfriend, he should leave his two other girlfriends and married with me. It may look sooooooooo traditional. Of course! Because we slept together every night. If I can, I want to propose him as my husband. I do! But, I can't. I can't force him to love me.
Dear Baby Sayang,
Sorry. And Thank you for be part of my life. I highly appreciated every moment we had spent together all this time. I am love you and always miss you even you are next to me. Once, when everything is settled up, I let you go to your own path. I'm sorry if I'm hurting you. Sorry baby. I am Love you. But, sadly you are not totally mine. Sorry baby. And thank you. Thank you so much.